____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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