John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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