Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
