we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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