Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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