i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
