why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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