laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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