Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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