A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
