I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're a waste of cheezeits
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize