I think i peed on brittanys purse
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
