well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
