I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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