My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she peed on how many people?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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