You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
