What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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