hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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