They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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