yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
