I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
