I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
