The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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