so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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