I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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