So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
