I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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