I got chris browned last night
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
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Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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