There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
