There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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