I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
