The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
