Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
