So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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