So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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