he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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