i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
