My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
someone owes me an orgasm
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
