I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
