the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
