were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
