Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
