so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
