You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
