I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
