And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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