just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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