sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
