id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
