did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize