Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
