i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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