How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
