You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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