I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
