Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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