best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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