Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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